Setting up Sensual Spaces

My Beloved and I both work from home (as a coach + therapist), and are both naturally introverted. And we both simply love being at home, doing our lil’ projects.

While at home, he’s most inclined to read/listen to books, play video games, watch sports, do laundry, or vacuum the house. I’m likely to spend my days working, reading the pile of books by my bed, flitting around the kitchen making potions and meals, organizing, and taking care of our jungle of plants.

I give you this little peek into our life because... as two people who love being at home and love nesting at home, I know I can always find ways to stay busy with home tasks (and work stuff). In order for me to ‘turn off my brain’ I need to be really conscious and intentional about setting the mood when we want to create time for sexual play.

For my particular brain and desire (which runs a bit ADHD and responsive desire), I love to know what’s coming in my day/week so that I can start to create that mindshift ahead of time. And the ritual space we create helps with that shift, to keep me focused and in the right headspace. For us, this might look like a set aside time on the calendar (this week happened to be a Monday, as we’re teaching on Friday). It might look like a mocktail hour that turns playful, or a whole afternoon we’ve set up for medicine space and play.

I very much consider myself a sensualist, and have always been really invested in scent as a gateway to deeper experiences, and you’ll see that reflected below. We use many of these ideas when we travel, too, like setting up candles or our galaxy light in hotel rooms. The following are really just my recommendations for things I like or items I choose to purchase, no sponsorships or paid agreements to shift my perspective.

As you read through the list, notice what you already have on hand that could be used in place of the recommendations, or something that you’d prefer instead. Let these offerings be a guide to you to find your own choices, scents, sensations that work for your beautiful body, and all your senses.

Lighting to Set the Mood:
A galaxy light: These are little floor lamps that shine a whole galaxy of stars and light onto the ceiling. You can change the colors, the speed, and set timers by using the connected app on your phone. The one I like is no longer available, but you can easily find these online. Another alternative is these ‘sunset lamps’ which change color and look amazing. Salt lamps are also great for mood lighting.

Candles are a great way to change the vibe: everyone looks extra gorgeous in candlelight and the little fires add a bit of primal to the room. I always choose unscented, soy- or beeswax candles to keep toxic fragrances out of your home. I like GoodLight votives and tea lights.

Fairy lights: cute, tiny little bulbs can add a magical vibe to any room. You can buy these anywhere!

Dimmable lights: In my previous house, I used Hue lights by Philips. These are regular lightbulbs that fit into any fixture, but are wirelessly connected and can be controlled via app, turning any light into a dimmable vibe. Change the mood with timers or with the touch of a button.

As an alternative, take away sight with a blindfold to remove the distractions of the outside world. When we remove one sense, the others become heightened.

Scents to Invite Layers of Sensuality:
Essential oil diffuser: We have a collection of diffusers around the house, and I have an essential oil collection that I curate specifically for them. Years ago, we bought some diffusers at Target and they are still working great, but you can find prettier ones at natural food stores. Always use pure essential oils, and you can start with blends if you don’t want to make your own. This is a good diffuser from my favorite herb company, Mountain Rose Herbs.

Scents: My personal favorite scents are patchouli, rose geranium, sandalwood, vetiver, rose, ylang ylang, and lavender. These can be integrated into your space via essential oil diffusers or wearing oils and perfumes that you love. Our super sexy playtime scent is this sandalwood (not all sandalwoods are created equal; this is the BEST I’ve ever found). I mix the essential oil with water in a spray bottle, and we each wear it when we’re setting the mood. Here’s another favorite blend.

Incense: I like incense, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve become a bit more sensitive to the smoke. I prefer to light it outside or in a very airy room. Nag champa is the original, amazing hippie scent that I love.

Some unsolicited wellness girlie advice: Avoid any type of commercial plug-ins, scented candles, or home fragrances. These are all considered quite toxic and are mostly unregulated. Most companies are allowed to use all kinds of ‘fragrance’ in products without disclosing the proprietary blend, which means they can hide allergenic and genuinely toxic ingredients. Removing all scented items like this from your home will probably be good for your skin, brain, and lungs. Stick to natural essential oils or other natural fragrances.

Entice your Skin with Texture:
Fuzzy + protective: One of the most important items in our play spaces is our collection of Splash Blankets. These have become a necessary item, as I’ve become quite the squirter, they also keep oils and lube and other body fluids off the sheets. These are soft and fluffy, and are totally waterproof and machine washable.

Texture is good! You might also like satin or silk sheets, robes, or other types of silky fabrics. Maybe you’re more of a fuzzy, furry person and like floofy blankets like sheepskin or synthetic floof. Maybe you’re a leather kinda person, or simple cotton flannel. Find the texture that feels good for you and indulge in it.

You may also like to use natural oils for massage and touch. Organic, extra virgin coconut is my favorite, but almond oil, jojoba, or apricot seed oil are great neutral skin oils to explore. Cacao or shea butter are richer, thicker and very yummy as they liquify under your hands and on skin.

Play with cornstarch: If you don’t like the feeling of oil, but want to receive touch in new ways, try playing with cornstarch. It’s like using powdered silk on your skin, and cleanup is easy.

To add sensation to your genitals warming lubes or simply warmed oils. I like Foria Awaken Arousal Oil: it’s CBD-infused and warming, this is one of my go-to items in my sexy treasure chest. It smells great and works wonderfully for your pussy. Bonus, for those that like anal play, they make suppositories with CBD that are excellent.

A Feast for your Tastebuds:
Ceremonial Cacao Elixir: This is one of my newest item in my toolkit, and it’s so powerful. As I’ve gotten more sensitive to caffeine, the cacao gives me a big lift in energy and feels really connecting. It’s knowns to be warming, heart-opening and grounding, perfect for cooler winter months (or summer in the Bay Area!). This is the brand I like that’s found at natural food stores, or try my homemade Rose Cacao Elixir here for a DIY version (once upon a time, I was a food blogger).

Explore altered states: Sex itself can bring you into an altered state. So, too, can deep breathing, dancing, and some sacred medicines. We like to play with psychedelics and cannabis to take our brains offline and create new sensational experiences. Last night we took a medium-sized dose of quick-acting edible cannabis to create a sexy, three-hour play space. If you don’t like medicines, a 15-minute activated breathwork or a thumping dance party is a great way to get into an activated, altered state, too!

Soundscapes to Set the Vibe:
I have a bunch of playlists on my Spotify that we use to get our play started. Some are more slow, some are higher energy. I find that lo-fi chill is our go-to, but I like a lot of world beats and drumming. Try the Tantric Date Night Playlist and Sensual Playlist to get you started.

If you live in a loud space, turning off the outside world might be important, too! Try listening to music in headphones, or just using ear plugs to stay super present with the moment with no outside sounds.

Do we do all of these every single time we have sex? No. But do these practices help us set up for more intentional sensual time together when we choose them? Yes! And these are what work for me, so if these don’t appeal to you, I really encourage you to find your version of what feels, tastes, sounds, and smells good so that you can intentionally cultivate them, bring your senses online, and deepen your pleasure experiences.